I know it has been awhile since I have posted a blog. But when you have spent the weekend the way I have then you'd probably have to post about it as well. I spent my weekend someplace I would never have imagined being. Someplace I knew I just had to be dreaming because it felt so surreal.
I got upset with my sons father Saturday night because of his issue with not being able to communicate at least not with me anyways. I left the house and went for a walk and was gone three hours. When I came back no one seemed to care which made the situation worse. What made it even worse was when I said I was leaving again because evidently no one cared that I was gone and My son's father asked me not to leave because he wanted to go and play cards. Meaning he needed me home to stay with our 17 month old son. Which really set me off. It set me off to the point that I swung out and slammed a lamp across the bedroom smashing it into a wall. Even though it was done out of anger I thought that maybe now that I was showing some anger about the situation that maybe now he would talk and open up to me. But I was wrong. He went downstairs and got the vacuum cleaner cleaned up the glass from the broken light bulb, stopped and asked me about the cut on my head that evidently occurred when I dug my nails into my head and then continued on as though nothing happened. So me being the idiot decided that I would threaten my life. He talked to me then right? Wrong when I asked for the gun that I thought we had in the house. He asked for what to shoot him? I said no to shoot myself. Ha Ha he said that's funny. What is so funny about that I asked. You're funny you said like you'd shoot yourself. The gun is not even here he told me. Fine I told him I'm leaving and I'm not coming back ever. He said okay and told my 17 month old tell momma goodbye. Where you going he asked. Doesn't matter I said maybe I'll walk out into traffic. I grabbed my jacket and ran downstairs and told my daughter I was leaving and slammed the door behind me. She in turned ran after me yelling for me to come back with my 15 year old seconds behind her. I eventually came inside because they were being loud and were not going away.
So I sat at the the kitchen table for 5 minutes while my son's father sat there feeding our son. Never saying a word to me and then there was a knock at the door. It was the police. Asking was I the walker and that they had got a call that I had commumicated threats. I agreed that I had because I was upset. They went inside and talked to my sons father and my daughter and they decided that I had to go to the hospital at least to calm down or at least that is what they said. So I got to the hospital on Saturday night and ended up at mental health on Tuesday afternoon and was home Tuesday night.
The whole time I was at the hospital I was on suicide watch. Someone sat outside my door the whole time watching me in shifts. I had to wear two hospital gowns and all my belongings were taken from me. When I went to the bathroom I had to leave the door cracked. When I showered I had to be escorted by security and someone had to be there. I ended up making a complaint about the woman that took me to shower the first time. She sat inside the the bathroom and watched me while I bathed. Then asked me did I need her to wash my back. Once I hurried my shower I grabbed the towel to dry off. She grabbed another towel telling me to drop the one I had so I dry off with the other and place the wet one on the floor. She then began to dress me the whole time I was feeling uncomfortable. I didn't say anything because I wasn't sure if this was okay. But when I took a shower two days later the girl that took my upstairs gave me my supplies and stood outside the hospital room door. She knocked one time to tell me to hurry up but didn't come into the room until I stepped out of the bathroom.
So I complained to my nurse once I got back to my room and the next thing I know they had found someplace for me to go. (Sorry I had not mentioned before that I was waiting at the hospital until they could find me a room at a mental hospital to talk to a psychiatrist because they no longer have any in the hospital. Which they said was a long process because there were no rooms available.) Instead of letting me file a complaint I was leaving the hospital to go to a place where I could talk to somebody who eventually let me go home.
I asked my son's father why did he call the police. He said he called them because I had threatened to hurt myself and he thought they would just talk to me he didn't think all that would happen. I asked him why didn't he just talk to me. He said because I was mad at him and he didn't think I wanted to hear what I had to say. I told him but that had been what started everything was because he wouldn't talk to me. He said that even though I was saying I wanted him to talk to me. My facial expression said I didn't.
So the lesson I learned is that I have given up. He's not going to ever confide in me and it took me ending up in the hospital under suicide watch to realize it.
The crazy part about this situation is that my close friends that know me are flabbergasted by the whole situation but my family seem to believe that I should have been there and seem to be upset that I wasn't made to stay at mental health and believe that the psychiatrist should have made me get health instead of suggesting it.
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Friday, June 15, 2012
I'm a little lost today
What do you do when you aren't your normal cheerful self and you down and there is no one to talk to. All your friends are at least two and half hours away living their own lives. And if you are able to get one of them on the phone to express how you are feeling mostly what you're going to get is how they know how you feel because they are down as well. I can simpathize with that but sometimes misery doesn't love company sometimes you are looking for someone to give you an answer to a way out. I know most people will tell me to take it to God which is what I usually do first. But God can't hold my hand God can't offer me a shoulder to cry on.
What do you do when you need human contact and there is none available. Little too old to go out and try and find it from some random stranger. And since I still have two children under the age of 18 that still need a mother I can't just crawl up in a hole somewhere and cease to exist. Ever feel tired? Not physically but mentally tired? Tired of trying because you've done everything that you know you are supposed to do but nothing is going the way it is supposed to be and the only person you can really go to is God and evidently he's not answering because evidently I guess your going through something you are supposed to be going through right now all by yourself.
But I am tired of being Tonya Me Myself and I. I want help. I want love. I want a shoulder to cry on and warm arms to craddle me because I know that I deserve that. I want someone to talk to who talks to me wether it is a man in my life or a close friend. And I want this to be the last time I am tired of not having my life the way I want it to be.
What do you do when you need human contact and there is none available. Little too old to go out and try and find it from some random stranger. And since I still have two children under the age of 18 that still need a mother I can't just crawl up in a hole somewhere and cease to exist. Ever feel tired? Not physically but mentally tired? Tired of trying because you've done everything that you know you are supposed to do but nothing is going the way it is supposed to be and the only person you can really go to is God and evidently he's not answering because evidently I guess your going through something you are supposed to be going through right now all by yourself.
But I am tired of being Tonya Me Myself and I. I want help. I want love. I want a shoulder to cry on and warm arms to craddle me because I know that I deserve that. I want someone to talk to who talks to me wether it is a man in my life or a close friend. And I want this to be the last time I am tired of not having my life the way I want it to be.
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
The Golden Years (my short story)
I pulled over to the side of the road to give myself time to recover. I don’t know the last time I had felt so elated. When was the last time I laughed. Really laughed. It felt so freeing. The tears flowing from my eyes felt so cleansing as if the stress and the restraints that had been my life were somehow flowing out with the tears that lined my face. My chest somehow felt lighter as if a an invisible weight had been lifted. I had heard people use that term before never knowing what that meant. Or thinking it just a figure of speech. But in this moment I knew what it meant.
Though I was enjoying the moment and believed I was entitled to it I knew I was going to have to think of an apology for Mrs. Carter for my behavior. I’m sure it wouldn’t take much to get back into her good graces. That would make me one less person to gossip about. I was sure that even now the phone lines had to be lit up.
Besides she might start wondering about my behavior. How I was acting a bit out of the norm. I’m sure her imagination wouldn’t be able to deduce that I had killed my husband and stored his body in the freezer but, I still needed to be careful when he didn’t show up in a couple of weeks back from his trip. I’m sure she would be asking questions.
But I had the rest of the day to worry about that and I didn’t take the time to make myself look nice this morning to be worrying about Mrs. Carter I still had to stop off at the bank and treat myself to lunch and I wasn’t going to let what if’s destroy my day.
There were a lot more cars in the bank parking lot than usual. I guess since I was use to getting here much earlier I never had to encounter the other customers that did their business on their lunch hour. But of course that was okay. What did I care about a little line at the bank I had no place to be and besides with it being lunchtime it might make it harder for me to get a table at a restaurant. This way I could kill some time no pun intended.
As I entered the bank I could tell the atmosphere was a lot different than it was when I came earlier in the day. Impatience seemed to saturate the air. Some of the customers appeared to stare at the clock on the wall trying to will the second hand from moving. Others agitated looking around as if trying to decide if coming back another time would be beneficial. These people were on their lunch breaks and had to get back to their jobs and evidently they needed to be there soon. And right now there was a gentlemen letting one of the tellers know just how unhappy he was about having had to wait. The teller was expressing her apologies but he didn’t seem to care. Probably not even mad about the wait but dealing with some other issue and taking it out on her. I could sympathize with him, having had my own woes to deal with over the years but, all he was doing now was causing the other customers to become more frustrated.
And the poor teller didn’t deserve him berating her for something that was out of her control. She, I am sure, had enough to deal with each day. Having to deal with irate customers that came in and took their frustrations out on her just for the hell of it. What if she decided she had had enough and came from behind the glass with a heavy object and bashed his brains in. Maybe a baseball bat or something. I am sure she didn’t have a baseball bat hidden behind the counter but I’m sure she probably wish she had one right now. She’d shut him up for good. Or at least give him something to think about the next time he wanted to yell at somebody.
Finally he was leaving with his head still intact. She was thanking him for his service and wishing him a nice day. Which I doubt he was going to have. I don’t know how they dealt with these people and still kept a smile on their faces. But, I would make sure to thank her before I left today for all the wonderful services I had received from them through out the years.
When it was my turn at the window I could tell that the smile on her lips didn’t quite reach her eyes. The smile a bit mechanical. From the back of the line she had seemed to be a lot younger but as I stood there looking at her I could see that the years of working at such a stressful job had taken it’s toll on her. She wore a ton of foundation trying to cover up the wrinkles that had started to form at her brow and forehead and she wore a bit too much mascara on her lashes. It was thick, caked and dried. Funny that I didn’t ever remember seeing her before but I was sure she was a regular because she greeted me by name when I got to the window.
She even seem to have a startled look on her face as if taken aback by my appearance.
“ How are you doing today?” she asked.
“Oh me, I am doing great. But it seems that yours is not going quite so well as mine.”
“Excuse me.” she said looking a bit confused.
“The gentleman that was here a little earlier.”
“Oh yeah, I had already forgotten about that. Comes with the job.” she said as she shrugged her shoulders.
It was as if to say she had given up hope of her life being any different. Excepting life as it was as if this was all it had to offer so she just dealt with it. Her life as mechanical as the smile she wore. And I am sure that just a day ago that that was probably me. I wish that I could tell her that. Tell her how just this morning I had changed my life for the better. But, of course I couldn’t. Not if I wanted to enjoy the rest of my day. So all I did was thank her for her help. I thought about commenting on her mascara but thought better of it. She thanked me for coming in and told me to have a nice day. Not really caring if I did. But I told her in no uncertain terms that I would.
As I left the bank I realized that I had been wrong about my earlier assumptions if she had been wishing for a baseball it would have been to bash her own head in.
Though I was enjoying the moment and believed I was entitled to it I knew I was going to have to think of an apology for Mrs. Carter for my behavior. I’m sure it wouldn’t take much to get back into her good graces. That would make me one less person to gossip about. I was sure that even now the phone lines had to be lit up.
Besides she might start wondering about my behavior. How I was acting a bit out of the norm. I’m sure her imagination wouldn’t be able to deduce that I had killed my husband and stored his body in the freezer but, I still needed to be careful when he didn’t show up in a couple of weeks back from his trip. I’m sure she would be asking questions.
But I had the rest of the day to worry about that and I didn’t take the time to make myself look nice this morning to be worrying about Mrs. Carter I still had to stop off at the bank and treat myself to lunch and I wasn’t going to let what if’s destroy my day.
There were a lot more cars in the bank parking lot than usual. I guess since I was use to getting here much earlier I never had to encounter the other customers that did their business on their lunch hour. But of course that was okay. What did I care about a little line at the bank I had no place to be and besides with it being lunchtime it might make it harder for me to get a table at a restaurant. This way I could kill some time no pun intended.
As I entered the bank I could tell the atmosphere was a lot different than it was when I came earlier in the day. Impatience seemed to saturate the air. Some of the customers appeared to stare at the clock on the wall trying to will the second hand from moving. Others agitated looking around as if trying to decide if coming back another time would be beneficial. These people were on their lunch breaks and had to get back to their jobs and evidently they needed to be there soon. And right now there was a gentlemen letting one of the tellers know just how unhappy he was about having had to wait. The teller was expressing her apologies but he didn’t seem to care. Probably not even mad about the wait but dealing with some other issue and taking it out on her. I could sympathize with him, having had my own woes to deal with over the years but, all he was doing now was causing the other customers to become more frustrated.
And the poor teller didn’t deserve him berating her for something that was out of her control. She, I am sure, had enough to deal with each day. Having to deal with irate customers that came in and took their frustrations out on her just for the hell of it. What if she decided she had had enough and came from behind the glass with a heavy object and bashed his brains in. Maybe a baseball bat or something. I am sure she didn’t have a baseball bat hidden behind the counter but I’m sure she probably wish she had one right now. She’d shut him up for good. Or at least give him something to think about the next time he wanted to yell at somebody.
Finally he was leaving with his head still intact. She was thanking him for his service and wishing him a nice day. Which I doubt he was going to have. I don’t know how they dealt with these people and still kept a smile on their faces. But, I would make sure to thank her before I left today for all the wonderful services I had received from them through out the years.
When it was my turn at the window I could tell that the smile on her lips didn’t quite reach her eyes. The smile a bit mechanical. From the back of the line she had seemed to be a lot younger but as I stood there looking at her I could see that the years of working at such a stressful job had taken it’s toll on her. She wore a ton of foundation trying to cover up the wrinkles that had started to form at her brow and forehead and she wore a bit too much mascara on her lashes. It was thick, caked and dried. Funny that I didn’t ever remember seeing her before but I was sure she was a regular because she greeted me by name when I got to the window.
She even seem to have a startled look on her face as if taken aback by my appearance.
“ How are you doing today?” she asked.
“Oh me, I am doing great. But it seems that yours is not going quite so well as mine.”
“Excuse me.” she said looking a bit confused.
“The gentleman that was here a little earlier.”
“Oh yeah, I had already forgotten about that. Comes with the job.” she said as she shrugged her shoulders.
It was as if to say she had given up hope of her life being any different. Excepting life as it was as if this was all it had to offer so she just dealt with it. Her life as mechanical as the smile she wore. And I am sure that just a day ago that that was probably me. I wish that I could tell her that. Tell her how just this morning I had changed my life for the better. But, of course I couldn’t. Not if I wanted to enjoy the rest of my day. So all I did was thank her for her help. I thought about commenting on her mascara but thought better of it. She thanked me for coming in and told me to have a nice day. Not really caring if I did. But I told her in no uncertain terms that I would.
As I left the bank I realized that I had been wrong about my earlier assumptions if she had been wishing for a baseball it would have been to bash her own head in.
Sunday, May 27, 2012
I will be grateful for you
This is to my friends and family that call me and seem to be down and never happy with anything in their lives. I have decided to not only be grateful for what God has done in my life but, also what he has done in yours.
I am thankful that all your kids are healthy. I am thankful that not one of your kids is lying in the hospital in need of serious medical care. I am thankful that none of your kids are in trouble with the police. None of your kids are dead or missing. I am thankful that each one of you have a roof over your heads and reliable transportation. That none of you though money is tight has gone without a meal. That you have electricity and running water. I am grateful for those of you that have a job though you may not be happy with it at this time do indeed have a job. And those of you that are unemployed have the opportunity to experience this time with your kids that you would not have otherwise had if you were working right now.
I am grateful that though your day may be hard that you are alive each day to experience it. Not only for you but for me because I am grateful eachday to know that if I should want to talk to you, you are there.
I am grateful that you have eyes to see. Ears that hear. Lungs that breathe and a heart that beats within your chest. I am grateful that you have two arms to show love and receive love from those that are close to you.
I am grateful that even though you may have bills that God provides a way for you to pay them.
I know that at times life may seem hard but I have found that sometimes instead of looking at what you don't have right now life looks a lot better when you think about all the things that you do have. When you look at your life and see how much abundance there actually is. So for now until you can see how good your lives are I will happily do it for you.
I am thankful that all your kids are healthy. I am thankful that not one of your kids is lying in the hospital in need of serious medical care. I am thankful that none of your kids are in trouble with the police. None of your kids are dead or missing. I am thankful that each one of you have a roof over your heads and reliable transportation. That none of you though money is tight has gone without a meal. That you have electricity and running water. I am grateful for those of you that have a job though you may not be happy with it at this time do indeed have a job. And those of you that are unemployed have the opportunity to experience this time with your kids that you would not have otherwise had if you were working right now.
I am grateful that though your day may be hard that you are alive each day to experience it. Not only for you but for me because I am grateful eachday to know that if I should want to talk to you, you are there.
I am grateful that you have eyes to see. Ears that hear. Lungs that breathe and a heart that beats within your chest. I am grateful that you have two arms to show love and receive love from those that are close to you.
I am grateful that even though you may have bills that God provides a way for you to pay them.
I know that at times life may seem hard but I have found that sometimes instead of looking at what you don't have right now life looks a lot better when you think about all the things that you do have. When you look at your life and see how much abundance there actually is. So for now until you can see how good your lives are I will happily do it for you.
Friday, May 18, 2012
Why do we?
Why does it seem that we can never truly be happy for others. When we hear that someone who is over 60 has won the lottery then it's what do they need it for they're old. Or we hear that they plan to invest it then it's I hope that they don't lose it all. But really don't we hope that they lose it all? Aren't we wishing to hear sometime in the future that they lost it all. So what they are in their 60's does it mean that when we get to a certain age that we don't deserve happiness? Why is it that misery truly does love company?
A friend called me awhile back complaining that the new guy she was dating was always bragging about his paycheck. But not really bragging just being thankful that he earned a good income and that he would have extra money to do something with her that weekend. She said that it got on her nerves. So what he had a lot of money she didn't want to have to hear about. It didn't make her mad that he was always bragging. She didn't need to hear that all the time. No it made her mad that she wasn't able to brag about her paycheck. Because I know for a fact that there have been many occasions that she has called to tell me that she has had extra money to do things and I have been truly happy for her. I on the other hand am happy to hear of someone that can brag about their paycheck and be truly grateful for having a paycheck especially nowadays when people are still out of work wishing they had a paycheck. I've always heard that when you put other people down it is because you don't love yourself or are not happy with your life. I hope that someday, soon hopefully, that we can all learn to love ourselves and maybe all this bullying can stop.
I know I am getting off the subject but not so much. Parents need to start teaching kids about loving themselves and treating others the way they want to be treated. There was of course bullying in my day we may not have all been affected by it but we have all seen it happen. But when I was growing up there was just one or two main bullies and they had their usual picks. Nowadays bullying is synonymous with breathing. Everyone is doing it and some are even proud of doing it. I know I don't have a lot of followers I just ask that the ones that do read my blog teach you kids about loving themselves let them know whenever possible that you love them and that they are worthy of being loved and the next time you decide not to be happy about someone else good fortune think about how you would feel if it were you wanting to share some good news with someone that was close to you and that person was jealous and spiteful.
Remember the Golden Rule. TREAT OTHERS THE WAY YOU WANT TO BE TREATED
A friend called me awhile back complaining that the new guy she was dating was always bragging about his paycheck. But not really bragging just being thankful that he earned a good income and that he would have extra money to do something with her that weekend. She said that it got on her nerves. So what he had a lot of money she didn't want to have to hear about. It didn't make her mad that he was always bragging. She didn't need to hear that all the time. No it made her mad that she wasn't able to brag about her paycheck. Because I know for a fact that there have been many occasions that she has called to tell me that she has had extra money to do things and I have been truly happy for her. I on the other hand am happy to hear of someone that can brag about their paycheck and be truly grateful for having a paycheck especially nowadays when people are still out of work wishing they had a paycheck. I've always heard that when you put other people down it is because you don't love yourself or are not happy with your life. I hope that someday, soon hopefully, that we can all learn to love ourselves and maybe all this bullying can stop.
I know I am getting off the subject but not so much. Parents need to start teaching kids about loving themselves and treating others the way they want to be treated. There was of course bullying in my day we may not have all been affected by it but we have all seen it happen. But when I was growing up there was just one or two main bullies and they had their usual picks. Nowadays bullying is synonymous with breathing. Everyone is doing it and some are even proud of doing it. I know I don't have a lot of followers I just ask that the ones that do read my blog teach you kids about loving themselves let them know whenever possible that you love them and that they are worthy of being loved and the next time you decide not to be happy about someone else good fortune think about how you would feel if it were you wanting to share some good news with someone that was close to you and that person was jealous and spiteful.
Remember the Golden Rule. TREAT OTHERS THE WAY YOU WANT TO BE TREATED
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
To My Daughter Whom I am Proud Just Because
Destiny I am writing this blog to you. To let you know that I love you and I am proud of you just because you are mine. I was washing the dishes today thanking God because he gave me three beautiful healthy children. And thinking about how you probably are dealing with anger inside because of how the father figures in your life have treated you. You probably wondered why or may have even commented on the fact that I have never did anything towards your father to make him support you. They main reason for that is because I wanted you in my life. He never asked for you and wether he wanted you in his life after you were born and just wanted to present hisself a different way among his peers I don't know. But I do know that I never pushed because it was My desire to have you in My life. I wanted you in my life before you were conceived and there as not been one minute in my life since I have regretted having you in my life. Always remember that I love you and though the men in your life weren't men enough that I always wanted you. That I am always here for you. I know you are young and I can't tell you how to feel. But don't be angry with them for how they have behaved and don't think yourself less because they couldn't see how wonderful you are. It is their lost for not fighting harder for you. You are beautiful and I love you more than words can say and don't ever let anything anyone says or does make you feel less than. Like I always told you God only gave me beautiful children.
I was even thinking yesterday about the times when you were younger when Corey was still in our lives how those were good times. When we would all wrestle and have fun. When he considered you his daughter and wanted to adopt you. Whenever you are down and wonder about him not being in your life just reflect on those times. Think about the good times. (Al Green)
I was even thinking yesterday about the times when you were younger when Corey was still in our lives how those were good times. When we would all wrestle and have fun. When he considered you his daughter and wanted to adopt you. Whenever you are down and wonder about him not being in your life just reflect on those times. Think about the good times. (Al Green)
Sunday, March 25, 2012
Help! Someone. Anyone
I have been in a slump over the last couples of days which is unlike me. Usually I am down and within an hour or so I've shaken it off and found something to smile about. Walked outside and saw something so breathtaking I just had to wonder in amazement at God's beautiful earth. Or my son did something that made me look at him and wonder how I could have created something so awesome. We just celebrated his 1st birthday Saturday and I got my wish of having my family all there to help celebrate. And it was a good day with laughs and sharing stories but before the party started I was in a slump. And when I woke up Sunday morning it had returned. Nothing is working. Not finding all the things I love or looking at all the things I have to be grateful for. I haven't felt this low in awhile and I need something to happen to bring me out of it. But I'm sure something is coming just around the corner. Usually that is what happens when I begin to feel this way. Just hate I have to ever feel this way. But as I have been hearing lately. How would you ever know you were happy if you had nothing to compare it to. Any who just needed to vent and since I own a laptop with a keypad with letter printed on it that help me to spell words I figured why not.
Saturday, March 17, 2012
Yes the dress was perfect. And I had even found a pair of shoes one of the kids had sent me awhile back that went with it perfectly. Shoes that I had complained about at the time. Thinking it to have been a thoughtless gift considering we never went anywhere. But now they were the perfect accessory to my perfect day. I had even taken the time to put my hair up and put in a couple of colorful pins to match. Looking in the mirror I actually liked the person looking back at me.
It had been years since I had really taken the time to look at myself and I didn’t look too bad in my old age especially when I took the time to make myself presentable. Of course the many wrinkles that lined my face were evidence that I was not a woman in my prime. But they did not tell the whole story. I think that anyone guessing my age would miss it by a few years.
This was nice though. Sitting here taking the time to enjoy my day. Having a little me time. I had kind of lost sight of me over the years. I had been mother, then worker, and even after retirement it seemed as though I quickly took on the job as caregiver. Now here I was just me. A woman with no responsibilities other than to make myself happy from this day forward.
Maybe if I had taken the time after finishing high school to maybe travel the world instead of marrying a man that I had eventually detested in the end maybe my life would have been better. At least I would have had something to look back on pictures I could have looked at to reminisce over. They only pictures that filled the photo album now were ones of he and I and those ungrateful kids I had given birth to. Once they graduated college their were no more pictures to fill the photo album. They never sent any. Maybe there was a reason they stayed away. They probably didn’t enjoy my company any more than I enjoyed theirs. But oh well they had their lives to live and now I had mine. Time to head out and get my day started. I know Mrs. Nosy Carter was probably lurking somewhere wondering why I hadn’t left the house yet. I’m sure all us old folks probably got our Social Security checks on the same day and was probably wondering why I hadn’t left to cash it yet especially since she probably knew my schedule better than I did.
And I guess since she always promised to keep an eye out on my husband while I was out. Well I wouldn’t be needing her services today. Or any other day for that matter.
Yep and just as I expected Mrs. Carter standing at my front door with her knuckles raised just about to knock as I opened the door.
“Hello might I help you with something?’
“Oh hello.” she said a bit startled.
I guess she had wanted to be the one to have surprised me.
“I was just noticing the time and saw that you car was still in the parking lot and knew you usually would have already left for the day. I was just coming by to make sure everything was okay.”
“Yes everything is fine. Thank you for asking.”
I noticed that she had begun to notice me. Giving special attention to my dress the shoes I was wearing and to me the hair pilled up on my head. She looked at me and smiled but I could also tell she was trying to come up on her own with a reason for my new change one that would sound a whole lot better than the explanation I was about to give her. Something to share with the other women at Bingo.
“Well don’t you look nice to day.” “The two of you have something big planned today?” “I guess you won’t be needing me to look after him for you today.” she asked while looking over my shoulder trying to peer through the house looking for him when she noticed he was not behind me.
“As a matter of fact I do have something planned but it will be by myself.” “My husband left for a couple of weeks to be with his brother so I won’t be needing your help for awhile.” That was all the information she would be getting out of me I’m sure she would be more than happy to make up the rest.
But of course she had more questions as she followed me to the car.
“Oh he left.” “I don’t remembering seeing him leave or noticing you having any visitors.”
“Oh no.” “Well” I said as I closed the door behind me “It probably happened while you were minding someone else’s business.”
And with that I backed out of the parking lot and drove away. The look on her face was priceless. She stood there with her mouth open dumbfounded. I am sure she never expected something like that to ever come from me. I am sure I would regret it eventually, but, right now I barely keep the car in my lane I was laughing so hard tears were pouring out of my eyes.
It had been years since I had really taken the time to look at myself and I didn’t look too bad in my old age especially when I took the time to make myself presentable. Of course the many wrinkles that lined my face were evidence that I was not a woman in my prime. But they did not tell the whole story. I think that anyone guessing my age would miss it by a few years.
This was nice though. Sitting here taking the time to enjoy my day. Having a little me time. I had kind of lost sight of me over the years. I had been mother, then worker, and even after retirement it seemed as though I quickly took on the job as caregiver. Now here I was just me. A woman with no responsibilities other than to make myself happy from this day forward.
Maybe if I had taken the time after finishing high school to maybe travel the world instead of marrying a man that I had eventually detested in the end maybe my life would have been better. At least I would have had something to look back on pictures I could have looked at to reminisce over. They only pictures that filled the photo album now were ones of he and I and those ungrateful kids I had given birth to. Once they graduated college their were no more pictures to fill the photo album. They never sent any. Maybe there was a reason they stayed away. They probably didn’t enjoy my company any more than I enjoyed theirs. But oh well they had their lives to live and now I had mine. Time to head out and get my day started. I know Mrs. Nosy Carter was probably lurking somewhere wondering why I hadn’t left the house yet. I’m sure all us old folks probably got our Social Security checks on the same day and was probably wondering why I hadn’t left to cash it yet especially since she probably knew my schedule better than I did.
And I guess since she always promised to keep an eye out on my husband while I was out. Well I wouldn’t be needing her services today. Or any other day for that matter.
Yep and just as I expected Mrs. Carter standing at my front door with her knuckles raised just about to knock as I opened the door.
“Hello might I help you with something?’
“Oh hello.” she said a bit startled.
I guess she had wanted to be the one to have surprised me.
“I was just noticing the time and saw that you car was still in the parking lot and knew you usually would have already left for the day. I was just coming by to make sure everything was okay.”
“Yes everything is fine. Thank you for asking.”
I noticed that she had begun to notice me. Giving special attention to my dress the shoes I was wearing and to me the hair pilled up on my head. She looked at me and smiled but I could also tell she was trying to come up on her own with a reason for my new change one that would sound a whole lot better than the explanation I was about to give her. Something to share with the other women at Bingo.
“Well don’t you look nice to day.” “The two of you have something big planned today?” “I guess you won’t be needing me to look after him for you today.” she asked while looking over my shoulder trying to peer through the house looking for him when she noticed he was not behind me.
“As a matter of fact I do have something planned but it will be by myself.” “My husband left for a couple of weeks to be with his brother so I won’t be needing your help for awhile.” That was all the information she would be getting out of me I’m sure she would be more than happy to make up the rest.
But of course she had more questions as she followed me to the car.
“Oh he left.” “I don’t remembering seeing him leave or noticing you having any visitors.”
“Oh no.” “Well” I said as I closed the door behind me “It probably happened while you were minding someone else’s business.”
And with that I backed out of the parking lot and drove away. The look on her face was priceless. She stood there with her mouth open dumbfounded. I am sure she never expected something like that to ever come from me. I am sure I would regret it eventually, but, right now I barely keep the car in my lane I was laughing so hard tears were pouring out of my eyes.
Mind over Matter
I have been working with the New Age idea, or at least new to most of us, of making appear in my life the things I want and need out of life by believing first in God's ability in making anything and everything possible and also by visualizing what I want. So far there have been unexpected things that I am grateful that have appeared in my life and regardless to how small they may appear to some people I am more than grateful for anything and everything that God brings into my life. But there has been a couple of things and mainly one thing in particular that I have been focusing all my energy on that has yet to appear in my life and a realized yesterday that one of the things holding me back is my need to criticize people or situations. If I am spending time complaining about a company or how someone else chooses to live their life then I am bringing negativity into my life which I do not want. Or it is blocking the flow or positivity that I am trying to bring into my life. I am praying and asking God everyday to help me to overcome this bad habit. Because even when I am doing it I know that it is a bad thing but part of me just feels the need to get it out and over with so I don't dwell on it. But I need to find a way to move past it. And remember to focus on being grateful.
Monday, February 27, 2012
Help me to understand
I am baffled by something and I would appreciate any feedback on this dilemma. How can a black man that has dated 2 white women in the past and even help to raise one of their sons have an issue with a black celebrity or athlete dating or marrying a white woman. How can this same person be so adamant about how when these men become famous the first thing they do is go out and get them a white woman. Or how the only year that Halle Berry received an Oscar she had to get naked and f**k a white man. I'm not trying to judge even though if I were I wouldn't know where to begin. I am just trying to understand the reasoning behind it. What is it I am missing? What is it that I am not understanding? It is not like this same person has expressed any guilt over having been in an interracial relationship in the past. He has even pointed out the fact that two of his ex girlfriends resembled Mariah Carey and Jennifer Love Hewitt and makes it a point to watch anything Jennifer Love Hewitt is in. I would appreciate any views anyone might have on the subject.
Sunday, February 19, 2012
short story
I knew that I had to take some extra money to buy groceries I would not have normally bought to fill up the freezer but the money I would not be using for prescriptions and doctor visits would more than make up the difference. I course I wouldn’t need to buy anything fancy I just needed to make sure he was covered up.
And you know what I think I would treat myself to lunch and not only that I would wear something nice take a little extra time to pin my hair up. Wasn’t like I needed to hurry to get anywhere or hurry to get back. Wow this was turning out to be one of the best decisions I had ever made.
I mean when I woke up this morning and did what I did I was only thinking of the short term. I never thought of how good my life could actually be. I know it wasn’t as if it was something I did on the spur of the moment. Sure I had thought about doing it secretly off and on over the years but it had only been fantasy something to get me through the tough times when having to take care of him had really started wearing down on me. I never really thought I would actually do it. But now that I had I think these last years might actually turn out to be golden after all.
What would I wear? Too bad I couldn’t go out and buy myself something. That was definitely not in the budget. Maybe if I won at Bingo this week I could maybe use it on me for a change and treat myself to something. Something new. Not something off the rack at the Goodwill which I had detested having to do. I know that I’m not better than anyone else but I had hated what my life had been reduced to these last few years. I hated having to buy my clothes from a thrift store knowing they had been worn by someone else. Just thinking of what the last person that had worn them might have been doing in them. Or that fact that they maybe might have even died in them.
I had even detested the store itself. The smell of it turned my stomach and there were times I even found myself retching. The smell reminded me of a funeral parlor. Stale and something I couldn’t quite put my finger on. I could only stand to be there for maybe thirty minutes at a time. If the lines were to long I would leave and return another day.
I had tried to go to different thrift stores but they all seem to smell the same. The odor assaulted you as soon as you opened the door and there just seemed to be no way of getting around it. Even when I brought them home the smell lingered in the clothes and on me.
When I got them home I threw them in the washer and washed them in the hottest temperature the washer would allow at least three or four times making sure to use fabric softener in every wash. I would then scrub my hands until they were red because I had had to handle them. It had been the same for his clothes as well if I had not had to handle them I would not have cared. But since I had been the one to dress him it only made since. By the time we had gotten around to wearing them the were dull and lifeless much like the thrift store the had been purchased from.
He had not liked my treatment of the clothes he complained how the smell of fabric softener had been excessive but what could he do about it? Wasn’t like he could wash clothes he couldn’t wash himself. Besides there had to be some compromise in a relationship. I gave up the foods I loved to eat, I gave up being happy, and he had to suffer the strong scent of the clothes he wore. Besides he only had to endure it the first time I brought them home. What I had given up had lasted for years.
But I do remember I came upon a rare find the last time I had gone to buy clothes I found a dress that still had the tags on them from when they had been purchased at the store. I of course I washed it when I got home but only once to get the scent out of them. I had even tried it on at the store to make sure it fit before I purchased it. Something I never did. I don’t know how many clothes I had purchased over the years only to return them to the thrift store because they had not fit me because I refused to try them on before hand.
Who would have thought when I lay down last night that today would have turned out to be perfect. It was only 9 o’clock in the morning and it was turning out to be the best day of my life. I couldn’t wait to see what the rest of the day had in store for me.
And you know what I think I would treat myself to lunch and not only that I would wear something nice take a little extra time to pin my hair up. Wasn’t like I needed to hurry to get anywhere or hurry to get back. Wow this was turning out to be one of the best decisions I had ever made.
I mean when I woke up this morning and did what I did I was only thinking of the short term. I never thought of how good my life could actually be. I know it wasn’t as if it was something I did on the spur of the moment. Sure I had thought about doing it secretly off and on over the years but it had only been fantasy something to get me through the tough times when having to take care of him had really started wearing down on me. I never really thought I would actually do it. But now that I had I think these last years might actually turn out to be golden after all.
What would I wear? Too bad I couldn’t go out and buy myself something. That was definitely not in the budget. Maybe if I won at Bingo this week I could maybe use it on me for a change and treat myself to something. Something new. Not something off the rack at the Goodwill which I had detested having to do. I know that I’m not better than anyone else but I had hated what my life had been reduced to these last few years. I hated having to buy my clothes from a thrift store knowing they had been worn by someone else. Just thinking of what the last person that had worn them might have been doing in them. Or that fact that they maybe might have even died in them.
I had even detested the store itself. The smell of it turned my stomach and there were times I even found myself retching. The smell reminded me of a funeral parlor. Stale and something I couldn’t quite put my finger on. I could only stand to be there for maybe thirty minutes at a time. If the lines were to long I would leave and return another day.
I had tried to go to different thrift stores but they all seem to smell the same. The odor assaulted you as soon as you opened the door and there just seemed to be no way of getting around it. Even when I brought them home the smell lingered in the clothes and on me.
When I got them home I threw them in the washer and washed them in the hottest temperature the washer would allow at least three or four times making sure to use fabric softener in every wash. I would then scrub my hands until they were red because I had had to handle them. It had been the same for his clothes as well if I had not had to handle them I would not have cared. But since I had been the one to dress him it only made since. By the time we had gotten around to wearing them the were dull and lifeless much like the thrift store the had been purchased from.
He had not liked my treatment of the clothes he complained how the smell of fabric softener had been excessive but what could he do about it? Wasn’t like he could wash clothes he couldn’t wash himself. Besides there had to be some compromise in a relationship. I gave up the foods I loved to eat, I gave up being happy, and he had to suffer the strong scent of the clothes he wore. Besides he only had to endure it the first time I brought them home. What I had given up had lasted for years.
But I do remember I came upon a rare find the last time I had gone to buy clothes I found a dress that still had the tags on them from when they had been purchased at the store. I of course I washed it when I got home but only once to get the scent out of them. I had even tried it on at the store to make sure it fit before I purchased it. Something I never did. I don’t know how many clothes I had purchased over the years only to return them to the thrift store because they had not fit me because I refused to try them on before hand.
Who would have thought when I lay down last night that today would have turned out to be perfect. It was only 9 o’clock in the morning and it was turning out to be the best day of my life. I couldn’t wait to see what the rest of the day had in store for me.
Sunday, February 5, 2012
Forgiveness
I realized today after watching a televised ministry that there were some people in my life that I had not forgiven because I didn't realize that I needed to forgive them. The subject of the sermon was on picking your battles in life. About if there were people in your life wether it were friends, coworkers, associates or family members who didn't recognize your talents. Who didn't praise you for being you. It was about not going out of your way to try and make these people see you for who you really are because it was taking time away from making you into that person you could really become. Taking that time trying to prove to a family member that never showed you the praise that they showed other family members or co-workers that put you down for being you could be better served in improving your own self worth. The sermon was about picking your battles and learning to ignore the ones that were not going to benefit you.
Growing up I lived part of the time with my grandmother, grandfather and my uncle. I was my grandfather's favorite however my grandmother controlled the finances. There were times that I went to school without food to eat because my grandmother preferred to spend her money on shopping and not groceries. On my birthday I would beg my grandmother to buy me a present and she would always be broke and could never afford anything more than a Family Dollar barbie doll. Even though I had been out with her paying bills and had seen the loose bills falling out of her purse that she had not realized were as she looked for the bill statement. My grandmother always had several purses that she would always forget about leaving money in them. On Christmas the pajamas and underwear I received every year came from Family Dollars as well. But my younger cousin on her birthday would always have the latest Barbie Doll and what ever new accessories that came with her that year. She always had the latest jeans even when she pitched fits when my grandmother didn't get the ones she specified and told her to take them back. Her pajamas came from Victoria Secrets. My older cousin who later moved in with her became a favorite as well who got what she wanted regardless of how she treated my grandmother. And when my uncle became old enough to have his own money whomever deemed to be my grandmothers favorite it was also true for my uncle as well. Whoever she got expensive presents for at Christmas time those were the ones my uncle bought presents for as well.
My uncle stopped speaking to me for 3 years because I wasn't able to pay him back the 50 dollars I borrowed from him (the only thing he has ever done for me my whole life) when I said I would. It didn't take me 3 years that was the punishment I received after I paid him back. When I was growing up my uncle would make things to sell like popcorn balls when he had extras he couldn't sell and me and my cousin James would ask for them he told us we would have to pay for them of course 8 year olds didn't have money. So he would throw them in the trash instead of giving them to us. I realized today that several years back when I sat down to forgive certain people in my life that I needed to forgive to move on that they had not been a part of that group. Because the way I had been raised I had begun to think that this was the way things just were. I wondered what was it about me that made it seem as though I didn't need their praise? What was it about me that made the day I was born not so special? Did as a child my tomboyish ways make me seem too independant of love. The sermon today made me realize something that I alreadyk new but I guess I still had not really come to terms with that it is important for me to love myself. And that if no one else loves me or approves of me GOD does. There are only two people I have to please in this world and that is me and GOD. So GrandMa I forgive you. Uncle Calvin I forgive.
Growing up I lived part of the time with my grandmother, grandfather and my uncle. I was my grandfather's favorite however my grandmother controlled the finances. There were times that I went to school without food to eat because my grandmother preferred to spend her money on shopping and not groceries. On my birthday I would beg my grandmother to buy me a present and she would always be broke and could never afford anything more than a Family Dollar barbie doll. Even though I had been out with her paying bills and had seen the loose bills falling out of her purse that she had not realized were as she looked for the bill statement. My grandmother always had several purses that she would always forget about leaving money in them. On Christmas the pajamas and underwear I received every year came from Family Dollars as well. But my younger cousin on her birthday would always have the latest Barbie Doll and what ever new accessories that came with her that year. She always had the latest jeans even when she pitched fits when my grandmother didn't get the ones she specified and told her to take them back. Her pajamas came from Victoria Secrets. My older cousin who later moved in with her became a favorite as well who got what she wanted regardless of how she treated my grandmother. And when my uncle became old enough to have his own money whomever deemed to be my grandmothers favorite it was also true for my uncle as well. Whoever she got expensive presents for at Christmas time those were the ones my uncle bought presents for as well.
My uncle stopped speaking to me for 3 years because I wasn't able to pay him back the 50 dollars I borrowed from him (the only thing he has ever done for me my whole life) when I said I would. It didn't take me 3 years that was the punishment I received after I paid him back. When I was growing up my uncle would make things to sell like popcorn balls when he had extras he couldn't sell and me and my cousin James would ask for them he told us we would have to pay for them of course 8 year olds didn't have money. So he would throw them in the trash instead of giving them to us. I realized today that several years back when I sat down to forgive certain people in my life that I needed to forgive to move on that they had not been a part of that group. Because the way I had been raised I had begun to think that this was the way things just were. I wondered what was it about me that made it seem as though I didn't need their praise? What was it about me that made the day I was born not so special? Did as a child my tomboyish ways make me seem too independant of love. The sermon today made me realize something that I alreadyk new but I guess I still had not really come to terms with that it is important for me to love myself. And that if no one else loves me or approves of me GOD does. There are only two people I have to please in this world and that is me and GOD. So GrandMa I forgive you. Uncle Calvin I forgive.
Monday, January 30, 2012
Short story
But for now I would delight in the aroma while I prepared my eggs just the way I liked them.
Hmm you would think sitting at the kitchen table alone would seem out of the ordinary to me. Except on those few occasions he left to be with his brother he had sat across the table from me for the last twenty years or so. Wow had it been twenty..one..two..three…four…five. Twenty five years since my youngest had moved out. It’s a wonder I had tolerated his presence this long.
I couldn’t remember the last time I had eaten so well. Most of the food I had cooked over the last few years had been bland and tasteless. Cutting out most of the salt and seasoning from the food I prepared I was amazed to find that I even had any when I looked through the cupboards as I prepared my breakfast. We never went out to eat because of our budget and it wasn’t like those worthless kids of mine ever came and took us out for an anniversary or birthday. Most of the time they would send a gift certificate to a restaurant that wasn’t even in out area. I had a drawer in the kitchen full of them. Plus it wouldn’t be worth it having to help him in and out of the car each time. The long drawn out walk behind the hostess he would have make to get to the table as she checked behind her every few seconds to make sure we were still there. At bingo I had been used to it. I made sure to get there about fifteen minutes early and I always seated him in the section where the other men sat. At bingo I was allowed a break. I am sure that at the restaurant it would not have looked appropriate for me to have sat at another table.
Besides he would have never found anything he wanted to eat on the menu anyways. It was like in his old age along with taste buds the life had been sucked out of him. Well I guess I had been responsible for part of that. But you know what I meant. He had been like an infant. Worse because at least a infant is fun to look at even the ones that were not so cute at least you can stand to look at them. He had become disgusting to me. An infant even though they needed your help to do everything only weighed about eight to ten pounds. Though he had lost weight over the years did of course weigh a considerable amount more. A newborn, you know, will eventually become strong and become more independent over the years. I knew that things were only going to get worse over the years he would only become more dependant of me.
But you know what he wasn’t here now and for a little while I should try to enjoy my meal without thinking of him. I know that I had taken his life but he was my husband. I guess I should find some time to grieve for him. Try to remember a time when things had been good and maybe say a few words. But right now I was going to thank God for the solitude and the wonderful meal that was set before me.
The eggs were delicious. I can’t believe I had ever given up eating them any other way. Toast with butter. I know I probably shouldn’t be eating the butter because I don’t even know when it was bought. But I didn’t care. What did they say what doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger. I don’t know how old it was but it was delicious.
What was that sound? I hadn’t turned the TV on when I got up. No it wasn’t coming from the front room. It was coming from the back where the deep freezer was. I sat for a few seconds holding my breath waiting to hear it again. Nothing. Silence. Probably was the freezer it hadn’t been used in years maybe it was working the kinks out. Better go make sure it was working anyways. Never did check to see if it was getting cold after I had put him in earlier.
Yep it was working alright. He lay at the bottom of the freezer. Ice had already starting forming around his mouth were he a been drooling in his sleep. He didn’t look so comfortable though the space looked a little cramped. Well I wouldn’t be able to do anything about that now I guess I should have given it a little more thought when I first tossed him in. Maybe put in a pillow for his head. I should probably get him a throw blanket the one on the couch that he used at night before we got ready for bed. That way he would have something of his own.
The good new was the freezer was working. What if I had to buy another freezer there was only space for one and the delivery company would most likely try to take the old one or at least move it. Couldn’t have them wondering about the weight of a supposedly empty freezer.
I would get that throw blanket right after I finished my breakfast my coffee was getting cold.
Hmm you would think sitting at the kitchen table alone would seem out of the ordinary to me. Except on those few occasions he left to be with his brother he had sat across the table from me for the last twenty years or so. Wow had it been twenty..one..two..three…four…five. Twenty five years since my youngest had moved out. It’s a wonder I had tolerated his presence this long.
I couldn’t remember the last time I had eaten so well. Most of the food I had cooked over the last few years had been bland and tasteless. Cutting out most of the salt and seasoning from the food I prepared I was amazed to find that I even had any when I looked through the cupboards as I prepared my breakfast. We never went out to eat because of our budget and it wasn’t like those worthless kids of mine ever came and took us out for an anniversary or birthday. Most of the time they would send a gift certificate to a restaurant that wasn’t even in out area. I had a drawer in the kitchen full of them. Plus it wouldn’t be worth it having to help him in and out of the car each time. The long drawn out walk behind the hostess he would have make to get to the table as she checked behind her every few seconds to make sure we were still there. At bingo I had been used to it. I made sure to get there about fifteen minutes early and I always seated him in the section where the other men sat. At bingo I was allowed a break. I am sure that at the restaurant it would not have looked appropriate for me to have sat at another table.
Besides he would have never found anything he wanted to eat on the menu anyways. It was like in his old age along with taste buds the life had been sucked out of him. Well I guess I had been responsible for part of that. But you know what I meant. He had been like an infant. Worse because at least a infant is fun to look at even the ones that were not so cute at least you can stand to look at them. He had become disgusting to me. An infant even though they needed your help to do everything only weighed about eight to ten pounds. Though he had lost weight over the years did of course weigh a considerable amount more. A newborn, you know, will eventually become strong and become more independent over the years. I knew that things were only going to get worse over the years he would only become more dependant of me.
But you know what he wasn’t here now and for a little while I should try to enjoy my meal without thinking of him. I know that I had taken his life but he was my husband. I guess I should find some time to grieve for him. Try to remember a time when things had been good and maybe say a few words. But right now I was going to thank God for the solitude and the wonderful meal that was set before me.
The eggs were delicious. I can’t believe I had ever given up eating them any other way. Toast with butter. I know I probably shouldn’t be eating the butter because I don’t even know when it was bought. But I didn’t care. What did they say what doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger. I don’t know how old it was but it was delicious.
What was that sound? I hadn’t turned the TV on when I got up. No it wasn’t coming from the front room. It was coming from the back where the deep freezer was. I sat for a few seconds holding my breath waiting to hear it again. Nothing. Silence. Probably was the freezer it hadn’t been used in years maybe it was working the kinks out. Better go make sure it was working anyways. Never did check to see if it was getting cold after I had put him in earlier.
Yep it was working alright. He lay at the bottom of the freezer. Ice had already starting forming around his mouth were he a been drooling in his sleep. He didn’t look so comfortable though the space looked a little cramped. Well I wouldn’t be able to do anything about that now I guess I should have given it a little more thought when I first tossed him in. Maybe put in a pillow for his head. I should probably get him a throw blanket the one on the couch that he used at night before we got ready for bed. That way he would have something of his own.
The good new was the freezer was working. What if I had to buy another freezer there was only space for one and the delivery company would most likely try to take the old one or at least move it. Couldn’t have them wondering about the weight of a supposedly empty freezer.
I would get that throw blanket right after I finished my breakfast my coffee was getting cold.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
I apologize to any faithful blog followers for the lapse in the posting over the last 3 weeks but I was without internet. You would think that I would have an update to my story but unfortunately I do not I didn't push myself to write during my hiatus. But I do promise an update within the next few days. Thanks to my viewers and I appreciate any and all comments.
Monday, January 9, 2012
Reverse Racism in America
I heard a gospel song the other day. It said that we had overcome. We made it past slavery we had overcome. We had a black president in office. We had overcome. Why is it that because the person that is in office happens to have a skin color different than his predecessors that should stand out as "us" overcoming? Maybe it is because I haven't had too many run ins with racism and I wasn't raised with my parents and grandparents pointing out that I am of a different race than those around me that the fact that Obama is in office does not stir something in me. I am glad that as a child that he had the dream to one day become president and that dream became true for him. But doesn't pointing out that he is black continue to keep us in the dark ages? Doesn't it continue to keep racism alive when we continue to to point out our differences. Are we not supposed believe that we are all created equal regardless of our sex or race.
Monday, January 2, 2012
More short story
Well I guess now no one would no he was dead and I needed to keep it that way. Can you imagine a woman my age having to go to prison. Hopefully a judge would think it a waste of time. But of course I would be so lucky. Maybe my lawyer could plead old age. That would be funny would make the nightly news interesting. I would hope that my favorite news reporter, that Debra something of other, would be the one to tell my story. How would those good for nothing kids of mine feel now knowing that they had left their father and I unattended for so long. Having to wonder what they could have done differently. It would show them their mother having made the nightly news.
I could just see Sarah Mrs. High and Mighty now, putting all the blame on her brother Jeff. She felt that because she lived farther away than he did and her job was more demanding that the responsibility of keeping check on the parents was his job. Never mind the fact she was the oldest and her demanding career was made able because her father and I paid for her education. Wait until the time came and she no longer had her career to keep her warm in bed and she looked to her children to be there for her in her “golden years.”
Any who I wasn’t in custody yet and I needed to start enjoying the life I had of being a single lady once again. Strange that word single. What did that mean to a woman of my age? It wasn’t as if I could put myself on the market even if I had wanted to. The only other gentlemen I knew were the ones we saw when we went out for bingo once of week. And if I had been interested in any of them which I wasn’t. They hadn’t been anymore appealing than my late husband. I guess single meant only having to take care of me. One person to cook for. One person in control of the remote control. One person to clean up after. Yeah I think I was going to enjoy being single.
Now what was I going to tell people. Wasn’t as if I was going to stay stuck in this house to avoid suspicion I still had to eat and I did not want to give up bingo but I know that nosy Mrs. Carter would start to wonder about not seeing us together. Couldn’t say he was in the hospital I would have to explain why there had been no ambulance. And she would want to go and visit. A few years back he had gone and stayed with his younger brother for a few weeks maybe that would work. That would be my story and if she wanted answers after a couple of weeks I would worry about that then.
Our Social Security check had come in the mail yesterday I would need to take that to the bank to be cashed. I would need to get some foods to fill up that freezer. Since I always went to the bank alone I shouldn’t have to worry about having to answer any questions today.
But first some breakfast for the newly widowed lady. Let’s see what’s on the menu today. I could make the coffee as strong as I liked. He never cared for strong coffee. He said it made him gassy and maybe he was right but it seemed to me everything made him gassy. No more watered down coffee and no more foul fumes being admitted from his derriere. Another pro added to my checklist not that I had any cons. I would have eggs scrambled with cheese and lots of pepper. Because of course cheese made him gassy. And pepper gave him heartburn. I would have to go out and stock up on a few other things I had given up over the years because of his diet restrictions and the budget that would not allow me to eat differently than he.
The aromas of the coffee brewing were mouth watering. I could not remember smelling anything as desirable in my life. If I had the memories had been lost. Just that smell, just that strong scent of the coffee brewing had been worth it. I could barely wait the few seconds more to taste what I had been missing all these years. But for now I would delight in the aroma.
I could just see Sarah Mrs. High and Mighty now, putting all the blame on her brother Jeff. She felt that because she lived farther away than he did and her job was more demanding that the responsibility of keeping check on the parents was his job. Never mind the fact she was the oldest and her demanding career was made able because her father and I paid for her education. Wait until the time came and she no longer had her career to keep her warm in bed and she looked to her children to be there for her in her “golden years.”
Any who I wasn’t in custody yet and I needed to start enjoying the life I had of being a single lady once again. Strange that word single. What did that mean to a woman of my age? It wasn’t as if I could put myself on the market even if I had wanted to. The only other gentlemen I knew were the ones we saw when we went out for bingo once of week. And if I had been interested in any of them which I wasn’t. They hadn’t been anymore appealing than my late husband. I guess single meant only having to take care of me. One person to cook for. One person in control of the remote control. One person to clean up after. Yeah I think I was going to enjoy being single.
Now what was I going to tell people. Wasn’t as if I was going to stay stuck in this house to avoid suspicion I still had to eat and I did not want to give up bingo but I know that nosy Mrs. Carter would start to wonder about not seeing us together. Couldn’t say he was in the hospital I would have to explain why there had been no ambulance. And she would want to go and visit. A few years back he had gone and stayed with his younger brother for a few weeks maybe that would work. That would be my story and if she wanted answers after a couple of weeks I would worry about that then.
Our Social Security check had come in the mail yesterday I would need to take that to the bank to be cashed. I would need to get some foods to fill up that freezer. Since I always went to the bank alone I shouldn’t have to worry about having to answer any questions today.
But first some breakfast for the newly widowed lady. Let’s see what’s on the menu today. I could make the coffee as strong as I liked. He never cared for strong coffee. He said it made him gassy and maybe he was right but it seemed to me everything made him gassy. No more watered down coffee and no more foul fumes being admitted from his derriere. Another pro added to my checklist not that I had any cons. I would have eggs scrambled with cheese and lots of pepper. Because of course cheese made him gassy. And pepper gave him heartburn. I would have to go out and stock up on a few other things I had given up over the years because of his diet restrictions and the budget that would not allow me to eat differently than he.
The aromas of the coffee brewing were mouth watering. I could not remember smelling anything as desirable in my life. If I had the memories had been lost. Just that smell, just that strong scent of the coffee brewing had been worth it. I could barely wait the few seconds more to taste what I had been missing all these years. But for now I would delight in the aroma.
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Tips for Life from The Dali Lama:
1. Take into account that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
2. When you lose, don’t lose the lesson.
3. Follow the three R’s:
- Respect for self,
- Respect for others and
- Responsibility for all your actions.
4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.
5. When you realize you’ve made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
6. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you’ll be able to enjoy it a second time.
7. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.
8. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don’t bring up the past.
9. If you want others to be happy, practice compassion.
10. If you want to be happy, practice compassion
2. When you lose, don’t lose the lesson.
3. Follow the three R’s:
- Respect for self,
- Respect for others and
- Responsibility for all your actions.
4. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.
5. When you realize you’ve made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
6. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you’ll be able to enjoy it a second time.
7. A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.
8. In disagreements with loved ones, deal only with the current situation. Don’t bring up the past.
9. If you want others to be happy, practice compassion.
10. If you want to be happy, practice compassion
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