Forgiveness

  I realized today after watching a televised ministry  that there were some people in my life that I had not forgiven because I didn't realize that I needed to forgive them.  The subject of the sermon was on picking your battles in life.  About if there were people in your life wether it were friends, coworkers, associates or family members who didn't recognize your talents.  Who didn't praise you for being you.  It was about not going out of your way to try and make these people see you for who you really are because it was taking time away from making you into that person you could really become.  Taking that time trying to prove to a family member that never showed you the praise that they showed other family members or co-workers that put you down for being you could be better served in improving your own self worth.  The sermon was about picking your battles and learning to ignore the ones that were not going to benefit you.
   Growing up I lived part of the time with my grandmother, grandfather and my uncle.  I was my grandfather's favorite however my grandmother controlled the finances.  There were times that I went to school without food to eat because my grandmother preferred to spend her money on shopping and not groceries.  On my birthday I would beg my grandmother to buy me a present and she would always be broke and could never afford anything more than a Family Dollar barbie doll. Even though I had been out with her paying bills and had seen the loose bills falling out of her purse that she had not realized were as she looked for the bill statement. My grandmother always had several purses that she would always forget about leaving money in them.  On Christmas the pajamas and underwear I received every year came from Family Dollars as well. But my younger cousin on her birthday would always have the latest Barbie Doll and what ever new accessories that came with her that year.  She always had the latest jeans even when she pitched fits when my grandmother didn't get the ones she specified and told her to take them back.  Her pajamas came from Victoria Secrets.  My older cousin who later moved in with her became a favorite as well who got what she wanted regardless of how she treated my grandmother.  And  when my uncle became old enough to have his own money whomever deemed to be my grandmothers favorite it was also true for my uncle as well.  Whoever she got expensive presents for at Christmas time those were the ones my uncle bought presents for as well.
   My uncle stopped speaking to me for 3 years  because I wasn't able to pay him back the 50 dollars I borrowed from him (the only thing he has ever done for me my whole life) when I said I would.  It didn't take me 3 years that was the punishment I received after I paid him back.  When I was growing up my uncle would make things to sell like popcorn balls when he had extras  he couldn't sell and me and my cousin James would ask for them he told us we would have to pay for them of course 8 year olds didn't have money. So he would throw them in the trash instead of giving them to us.                                   I realized today that several years back when I sat down to forgive certain people in my life that I needed to forgive to move on that they had not been a part of that group.  Because the way I had been raised I had begun to think that this was the way things just were.  I wondered what was it about me that made it seem as though I didn't need their praise?  What was it about me that made the day I was born not so special?  Did as a child my tomboyish ways make me seem too independant of love. The sermon today made me realize something that I alreadyk new but I guess I still had not really come to terms with that it is important for me to love myself. And that if no one else loves me or approves of me GOD does. There are only two people I have to please in this world and that is me and GOD.  So GrandMa I forgive you.  Uncle Calvin I forgive.