Monday, February 27, 2012
Help me to understand
I am baffled by something and I would appreciate any feedback on this dilemma. How can a black man that has dated 2 white women in the past and even help to raise one of their sons have an issue with a black celebrity or athlete dating or marrying a white woman. How can this same person be so adamant about how when these men become famous the first thing they do is go out and get them a white woman. Or how the only year that Halle Berry received an Oscar she had to get naked and f**k a white man. I'm not trying to judge even though if I were I wouldn't know where to begin. I am just trying to understand the reasoning behind it. What is it I am missing? What is it that I am not understanding? It is not like this same person has expressed any guilt over having been in an interracial relationship in the past. He has even pointed out the fact that two of his ex girlfriends resembled Mariah Carey and Jennifer Love Hewitt and makes it a point to watch anything Jennifer Love Hewitt is in. I would appreciate any views anyone might have on the subject.
Sunday, February 19, 2012
short story
I knew that I had to take some extra money to buy groceries I would not have normally bought to fill up the freezer but the money I would not be using for prescriptions and doctor visits would more than make up the difference. I course I wouldn’t need to buy anything fancy I just needed to make sure he was covered up.
And you know what I think I would treat myself to lunch and not only that I would wear something nice take a little extra time to pin my hair up. Wasn’t like I needed to hurry to get anywhere or hurry to get back. Wow this was turning out to be one of the best decisions I had ever made.
I mean when I woke up this morning and did what I did I was only thinking of the short term. I never thought of how good my life could actually be. I know it wasn’t as if it was something I did on the spur of the moment. Sure I had thought about doing it secretly off and on over the years but it had only been fantasy something to get me through the tough times when having to take care of him had really started wearing down on me. I never really thought I would actually do it. But now that I had I think these last years might actually turn out to be golden after all.
What would I wear? Too bad I couldn’t go out and buy myself something. That was definitely not in the budget. Maybe if I won at Bingo this week I could maybe use it on me for a change and treat myself to something. Something new. Not something off the rack at the Goodwill which I had detested having to do. I know that I’m not better than anyone else but I had hated what my life had been reduced to these last few years. I hated having to buy my clothes from a thrift store knowing they had been worn by someone else. Just thinking of what the last person that had worn them might have been doing in them. Or that fact that they maybe might have even died in them.
I had even detested the store itself. The smell of it turned my stomach and there were times I even found myself retching. The smell reminded me of a funeral parlor. Stale and something I couldn’t quite put my finger on. I could only stand to be there for maybe thirty minutes at a time. If the lines were to long I would leave and return another day.
I had tried to go to different thrift stores but they all seem to smell the same. The odor assaulted you as soon as you opened the door and there just seemed to be no way of getting around it. Even when I brought them home the smell lingered in the clothes and on me.
When I got them home I threw them in the washer and washed them in the hottest temperature the washer would allow at least three or four times making sure to use fabric softener in every wash. I would then scrub my hands until they were red because I had had to handle them. It had been the same for his clothes as well if I had not had to handle them I would not have cared. But since I had been the one to dress him it only made since. By the time we had gotten around to wearing them the were dull and lifeless much like the thrift store the had been purchased from.
He had not liked my treatment of the clothes he complained how the smell of fabric softener had been excessive but what could he do about it? Wasn’t like he could wash clothes he couldn’t wash himself. Besides there had to be some compromise in a relationship. I gave up the foods I loved to eat, I gave up being happy, and he had to suffer the strong scent of the clothes he wore. Besides he only had to endure it the first time I brought them home. What I had given up had lasted for years.
But I do remember I came upon a rare find the last time I had gone to buy clothes I found a dress that still had the tags on them from when they had been purchased at the store. I of course I washed it when I got home but only once to get the scent out of them. I had even tried it on at the store to make sure it fit before I purchased it. Something I never did. I don’t know how many clothes I had purchased over the years only to return them to the thrift store because they had not fit me because I refused to try them on before hand.
Who would have thought when I lay down last night that today would have turned out to be perfect. It was only 9 o’clock in the morning and it was turning out to be the best day of my life. I couldn’t wait to see what the rest of the day had in store for me.
And you know what I think I would treat myself to lunch and not only that I would wear something nice take a little extra time to pin my hair up. Wasn’t like I needed to hurry to get anywhere or hurry to get back. Wow this was turning out to be one of the best decisions I had ever made.
I mean when I woke up this morning and did what I did I was only thinking of the short term. I never thought of how good my life could actually be. I know it wasn’t as if it was something I did on the spur of the moment. Sure I had thought about doing it secretly off and on over the years but it had only been fantasy something to get me through the tough times when having to take care of him had really started wearing down on me. I never really thought I would actually do it. But now that I had I think these last years might actually turn out to be golden after all.
What would I wear? Too bad I couldn’t go out and buy myself something. That was definitely not in the budget. Maybe if I won at Bingo this week I could maybe use it on me for a change and treat myself to something. Something new. Not something off the rack at the Goodwill which I had detested having to do. I know that I’m not better than anyone else but I had hated what my life had been reduced to these last few years. I hated having to buy my clothes from a thrift store knowing they had been worn by someone else. Just thinking of what the last person that had worn them might have been doing in them. Or that fact that they maybe might have even died in them.
I had even detested the store itself. The smell of it turned my stomach and there were times I even found myself retching. The smell reminded me of a funeral parlor. Stale and something I couldn’t quite put my finger on. I could only stand to be there for maybe thirty minutes at a time. If the lines were to long I would leave and return another day.
I had tried to go to different thrift stores but they all seem to smell the same. The odor assaulted you as soon as you opened the door and there just seemed to be no way of getting around it. Even when I brought them home the smell lingered in the clothes and on me.
When I got them home I threw them in the washer and washed them in the hottest temperature the washer would allow at least three or four times making sure to use fabric softener in every wash. I would then scrub my hands until they were red because I had had to handle them. It had been the same for his clothes as well if I had not had to handle them I would not have cared. But since I had been the one to dress him it only made since. By the time we had gotten around to wearing them the were dull and lifeless much like the thrift store the had been purchased from.
He had not liked my treatment of the clothes he complained how the smell of fabric softener had been excessive but what could he do about it? Wasn’t like he could wash clothes he couldn’t wash himself. Besides there had to be some compromise in a relationship. I gave up the foods I loved to eat, I gave up being happy, and he had to suffer the strong scent of the clothes he wore. Besides he only had to endure it the first time I brought them home. What I had given up had lasted for years.
But I do remember I came upon a rare find the last time I had gone to buy clothes I found a dress that still had the tags on them from when they had been purchased at the store. I of course I washed it when I got home but only once to get the scent out of them. I had even tried it on at the store to make sure it fit before I purchased it. Something I never did. I don’t know how many clothes I had purchased over the years only to return them to the thrift store because they had not fit me because I refused to try them on before hand.
Who would have thought when I lay down last night that today would have turned out to be perfect. It was only 9 o’clock in the morning and it was turning out to be the best day of my life. I couldn’t wait to see what the rest of the day had in store for me.
Sunday, February 5, 2012
Forgiveness
I realized today after watching a televised ministry that there were some people in my life that I had not forgiven because I didn't realize that I needed to forgive them. The subject of the sermon was on picking your battles in life. About if there were people in your life wether it were friends, coworkers, associates or family members who didn't recognize your talents. Who didn't praise you for being you. It was about not going out of your way to try and make these people see you for who you really are because it was taking time away from making you into that person you could really become. Taking that time trying to prove to a family member that never showed you the praise that they showed other family members or co-workers that put you down for being you could be better served in improving your own self worth. The sermon was about picking your battles and learning to ignore the ones that were not going to benefit you.
Growing up I lived part of the time with my grandmother, grandfather and my uncle. I was my grandfather's favorite however my grandmother controlled the finances. There were times that I went to school without food to eat because my grandmother preferred to spend her money on shopping and not groceries. On my birthday I would beg my grandmother to buy me a present and she would always be broke and could never afford anything more than a Family Dollar barbie doll. Even though I had been out with her paying bills and had seen the loose bills falling out of her purse that she had not realized were as she looked for the bill statement. My grandmother always had several purses that she would always forget about leaving money in them. On Christmas the pajamas and underwear I received every year came from Family Dollars as well. But my younger cousin on her birthday would always have the latest Barbie Doll and what ever new accessories that came with her that year. She always had the latest jeans even when she pitched fits when my grandmother didn't get the ones she specified and told her to take them back. Her pajamas came from Victoria Secrets. My older cousin who later moved in with her became a favorite as well who got what she wanted regardless of how she treated my grandmother. And when my uncle became old enough to have his own money whomever deemed to be my grandmothers favorite it was also true for my uncle as well. Whoever she got expensive presents for at Christmas time those were the ones my uncle bought presents for as well.
My uncle stopped speaking to me for 3 years because I wasn't able to pay him back the 50 dollars I borrowed from him (the only thing he has ever done for me my whole life) when I said I would. It didn't take me 3 years that was the punishment I received after I paid him back. When I was growing up my uncle would make things to sell like popcorn balls when he had extras he couldn't sell and me and my cousin James would ask for them he told us we would have to pay for them of course 8 year olds didn't have money. So he would throw them in the trash instead of giving them to us. I realized today that several years back when I sat down to forgive certain people in my life that I needed to forgive to move on that they had not been a part of that group. Because the way I had been raised I had begun to think that this was the way things just were. I wondered what was it about me that made it seem as though I didn't need their praise? What was it about me that made the day I was born not so special? Did as a child my tomboyish ways make me seem too independant of love. The sermon today made me realize something that I alreadyk new but I guess I still had not really come to terms with that it is important for me to love myself. And that if no one else loves me or approves of me GOD does. There are only two people I have to please in this world and that is me and GOD. So GrandMa I forgive you. Uncle Calvin I forgive.
Growing up I lived part of the time with my grandmother, grandfather and my uncle. I was my grandfather's favorite however my grandmother controlled the finances. There were times that I went to school without food to eat because my grandmother preferred to spend her money on shopping and not groceries. On my birthday I would beg my grandmother to buy me a present and she would always be broke and could never afford anything more than a Family Dollar barbie doll. Even though I had been out with her paying bills and had seen the loose bills falling out of her purse that she had not realized were as she looked for the bill statement. My grandmother always had several purses that she would always forget about leaving money in them. On Christmas the pajamas and underwear I received every year came from Family Dollars as well. But my younger cousin on her birthday would always have the latest Barbie Doll and what ever new accessories that came with her that year. She always had the latest jeans even when she pitched fits when my grandmother didn't get the ones she specified and told her to take them back. Her pajamas came from Victoria Secrets. My older cousin who later moved in with her became a favorite as well who got what she wanted regardless of how she treated my grandmother. And when my uncle became old enough to have his own money whomever deemed to be my grandmothers favorite it was also true for my uncle as well. Whoever she got expensive presents for at Christmas time those were the ones my uncle bought presents for as well.
My uncle stopped speaking to me for 3 years because I wasn't able to pay him back the 50 dollars I borrowed from him (the only thing he has ever done for me my whole life) when I said I would. It didn't take me 3 years that was the punishment I received after I paid him back. When I was growing up my uncle would make things to sell like popcorn balls when he had extras he couldn't sell and me and my cousin James would ask for them he told us we would have to pay for them of course 8 year olds didn't have money. So he would throw them in the trash instead of giving them to us. I realized today that several years back when I sat down to forgive certain people in my life that I needed to forgive to move on that they had not been a part of that group. Because the way I had been raised I had begun to think that this was the way things just were. I wondered what was it about me that made it seem as though I didn't need their praise? What was it about me that made the day I was born not so special? Did as a child my tomboyish ways make me seem too independant of love. The sermon today made me realize something that I alreadyk new but I guess I still had not really come to terms with that it is important for me to love myself. And that if no one else loves me or approves of me GOD does. There are only two people I have to please in this world and that is me and GOD. So GrandMa I forgive you. Uncle Calvin I forgive.
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