I know it has been awhile since I have posted a blog. But when you have spent the weekend the way I have then you'd probably have to post about it as well. I spent my weekend someplace I would never have imagined being. Someplace I knew I just had to be dreaming because it felt so surreal.
I got upset with my sons father Saturday night because of his issue with not being able to communicate at least not with me anyways. I left the house and went for a walk and was gone three hours. When I came back no one seemed to care which made the situation worse. What made it even worse was when I said I was leaving again because evidently no one cared that I was gone and My son's father asked me not to leave because he wanted to go and play cards. Meaning he needed me home to stay with our 17 month old son. Which really set me off. It set me off to the point that I swung out and slammed a lamp across the bedroom smashing it into a wall. Even though it was done out of anger I thought that maybe now that I was showing some anger about the situation that maybe now he would talk and open up to me. But I was wrong. He went downstairs and got the vacuum cleaner cleaned up the glass from the broken light bulb, stopped and asked me about the cut on my head that evidently occurred when I dug my nails into my head and then continued on as though nothing happened. So me being the idiot decided that I would threaten my life. He talked to me then right? Wrong when I asked for the gun that I thought we had in the house. He asked for what to shoot him? I said no to shoot myself. Ha Ha he said that's funny. What is so funny about that I asked. You're funny you said like you'd shoot yourself. The gun is not even here he told me. Fine I told him I'm leaving and I'm not coming back ever. He said okay and told my 17 month old tell momma goodbye. Where you going he asked. Doesn't matter I said maybe I'll walk out into traffic. I grabbed my jacket and ran downstairs and told my daughter I was leaving and slammed the door behind me. She in turned ran after me yelling for me to come back with my 15 year old seconds behind her. I eventually came inside because they were being loud and were not going away.
So I sat at the the kitchen table for 5 minutes while my son's father sat there feeding our son. Never saying a word to me and then there was a knock at the door. It was the police. Asking was I the walker and that they had got a call that I had commumicated threats. I agreed that I had because I was upset. They went inside and talked to my sons father and my daughter and they decided that I had to go to the hospital at least to calm down or at least that is what they said. So I got to the hospital on Saturday night and ended up at mental health on Tuesday afternoon and was home Tuesday night.
The whole time I was at the hospital I was on suicide watch. Someone sat outside my door the whole time watching me in shifts. I had to wear two hospital gowns and all my belongings were taken from me. When I went to the bathroom I had to leave the door cracked. When I showered I had to be escorted by security and someone had to be there. I ended up making a complaint about the woman that took me to shower the first time. She sat inside the the bathroom and watched me while I bathed. Then asked me did I need her to wash my back. Once I hurried my shower I grabbed the towel to dry off. She grabbed another towel telling me to drop the one I had so I dry off with the other and place the wet one on the floor. She then began to dress me the whole time I was feeling uncomfortable. I didn't say anything because I wasn't sure if this was okay. But when I took a shower two days later the girl that took my upstairs gave me my supplies and stood outside the hospital room door. She knocked one time to tell me to hurry up but didn't come into the room until I stepped out of the bathroom.
So I complained to my nurse once I got back to my room and the next thing I know they had found someplace for me to go. (Sorry I had not mentioned before that I was waiting at the hospital until they could find me a room at a mental hospital to talk to a psychiatrist because they no longer have any in the hospital. Which they said was a long process because there were no rooms available.) Instead of letting me file a complaint I was leaving the hospital to go to a place where I could talk to somebody who eventually let me go home.
I asked my son's father why did he call the police. He said he called them because I had threatened to hurt myself and he thought they would just talk to me he didn't think all that would happen. I asked him why didn't he just talk to me. He said because I was mad at him and he didn't think I wanted to hear what I had to say. I told him but that had been what started everything was because he wouldn't talk to me. He said that even though I was saying I wanted him to talk to me. My facial expression said I didn't.
So the lesson I learned is that I have given up. He's not going to ever confide in me and it took me ending up in the hospital under suicide watch to realize it.
The crazy part about this situation is that my close friends that know me are flabbergasted by the whole situation but my family seem to believe that I should have been there and seem to be upset that I wasn't made to stay at mental health and believe that the psychiatrist should have made me get health instead of suggesting it.
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Friday, June 15, 2012
I'm a little lost today
What do you do when you aren't your normal cheerful self and you down and there is no one to talk to. All your friends are at least two and half hours away living their own lives. And if you are able to get one of them on the phone to express how you are feeling mostly what you're going to get is how they know how you feel because they are down as well. I can simpathize with that but sometimes misery doesn't love company sometimes you are looking for someone to give you an answer to a way out. I know most people will tell me to take it to God which is what I usually do first. But God can't hold my hand God can't offer me a shoulder to cry on.
What do you do when you need human contact and there is none available. Little too old to go out and try and find it from some random stranger. And since I still have two children under the age of 18 that still need a mother I can't just crawl up in a hole somewhere and cease to exist. Ever feel tired? Not physically but mentally tired? Tired of trying because you've done everything that you know you are supposed to do but nothing is going the way it is supposed to be and the only person you can really go to is God and evidently he's not answering because evidently I guess your going through something you are supposed to be going through right now all by yourself.
But I am tired of being Tonya Me Myself and I. I want help. I want love. I want a shoulder to cry on and warm arms to craddle me because I know that I deserve that. I want someone to talk to who talks to me wether it is a man in my life or a close friend. And I want this to be the last time I am tired of not having my life the way I want it to be.
What do you do when you need human contact and there is none available. Little too old to go out and try and find it from some random stranger. And since I still have two children under the age of 18 that still need a mother I can't just crawl up in a hole somewhere and cease to exist. Ever feel tired? Not physically but mentally tired? Tired of trying because you've done everything that you know you are supposed to do but nothing is going the way it is supposed to be and the only person you can really go to is God and evidently he's not answering because evidently I guess your going through something you are supposed to be going through right now all by yourself.
But I am tired of being Tonya Me Myself and I. I want help. I want love. I want a shoulder to cry on and warm arms to craddle me because I know that I deserve that. I want someone to talk to who talks to me wether it is a man in my life or a close friend. And I want this to be the last time I am tired of not having my life the way I want it to be.
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
The Golden Years (my short story)
I pulled over to the side of the road to give myself time to recover. I don’t know the last time I had felt so elated. When was the last time I laughed. Really laughed. It felt so freeing. The tears flowing from my eyes felt so cleansing as if the stress and the restraints that had been my life were somehow flowing out with the tears that lined my face. My chest somehow felt lighter as if a an invisible weight had been lifted. I had heard people use that term before never knowing what that meant. Or thinking it just a figure of speech. But in this moment I knew what it meant.
Though I was enjoying the moment and believed I was entitled to it I knew I was going to have to think of an apology for Mrs. Carter for my behavior. I’m sure it wouldn’t take much to get back into her good graces. That would make me one less person to gossip about. I was sure that even now the phone lines had to be lit up.
Besides she might start wondering about my behavior. How I was acting a bit out of the norm. I’m sure her imagination wouldn’t be able to deduce that I had killed my husband and stored his body in the freezer but, I still needed to be careful when he didn’t show up in a couple of weeks back from his trip. I’m sure she would be asking questions.
But I had the rest of the day to worry about that and I didn’t take the time to make myself look nice this morning to be worrying about Mrs. Carter I still had to stop off at the bank and treat myself to lunch and I wasn’t going to let what if’s destroy my day.
There were a lot more cars in the bank parking lot than usual. I guess since I was use to getting here much earlier I never had to encounter the other customers that did their business on their lunch hour. But of course that was okay. What did I care about a little line at the bank I had no place to be and besides with it being lunchtime it might make it harder for me to get a table at a restaurant. This way I could kill some time no pun intended.
As I entered the bank I could tell the atmosphere was a lot different than it was when I came earlier in the day. Impatience seemed to saturate the air. Some of the customers appeared to stare at the clock on the wall trying to will the second hand from moving. Others agitated looking around as if trying to decide if coming back another time would be beneficial. These people were on their lunch breaks and had to get back to their jobs and evidently they needed to be there soon. And right now there was a gentlemen letting one of the tellers know just how unhappy he was about having had to wait. The teller was expressing her apologies but he didn’t seem to care. Probably not even mad about the wait but dealing with some other issue and taking it out on her. I could sympathize with him, having had my own woes to deal with over the years but, all he was doing now was causing the other customers to become more frustrated.
And the poor teller didn’t deserve him berating her for something that was out of her control. She, I am sure, had enough to deal with each day. Having to deal with irate customers that came in and took their frustrations out on her just for the hell of it. What if she decided she had had enough and came from behind the glass with a heavy object and bashed his brains in. Maybe a baseball bat or something. I am sure she didn’t have a baseball bat hidden behind the counter but I’m sure she probably wish she had one right now. She’d shut him up for good. Or at least give him something to think about the next time he wanted to yell at somebody.
Finally he was leaving with his head still intact. She was thanking him for his service and wishing him a nice day. Which I doubt he was going to have. I don’t know how they dealt with these people and still kept a smile on their faces. But, I would make sure to thank her before I left today for all the wonderful services I had received from them through out the years.
When it was my turn at the window I could tell that the smile on her lips didn’t quite reach her eyes. The smile a bit mechanical. From the back of the line she had seemed to be a lot younger but as I stood there looking at her I could see that the years of working at such a stressful job had taken it’s toll on her. She wore a ton of foundation trying to cover up the wrinkles that had started to form at her brow and forehead and she wore a bit too much mascara on her lashes. It was thick, caked and dried. Funny that I didn’t ever remember seeing her before but I was sure she was a regular because she greeted me by name when I got to the window.
She even seem to have a startled look on her face as if taken aback by my appearance.
“ How are you doing today?” she asked.
“Oh me, I am doing great. But it seems that yours is not going quite so well as mine.”
“Excuse me.” she said looking a bit confused.
“The gentleman that was here a little earlier.”
“Oh yeah, I had already forgotten about that. Comes with the job.” she said as she shrugged her shoulders.
It was as if to say she had given up hope of her life being any different. Excepting life as it was as if this was all it had to offer so she just dealt with it. Her life as mechanical as the smile she wore. And I am sure that just a day ago that that was probably me. I wish that I could tell her that. Tell her how just this morning I had changed my life for the better. But, of course I couldn’t. Not if I wanted to enjoy the rest of my day. So all I did was thank her for her help. I thought about commenting on her mascara but thought better of it. She thanked me for coming in and told me to have a nice day. Not really caring if I did. But I told her in no uncertain terms that I would.
As I left the bank I realized that I had been wrong about my earlier assumptions if she had been wishing for a baseball it would have been to bash her own head in.
Though I was enjoying the moment and believed I was entitled to it I knew I was going to have to think of an apology for Mrs. Carter for my behavior. I’m sure it wouldn’t take much to get back into her good graces. That would make me one less person to gossip about. I was sure that even now the phone lines had to be lit up.
Besides she might start wondering about my behavior. How I was acting a bit out of the norm. I’m sure her imagination wouldn’t be able to deduce that I had killed my husband and stored his body in the freezer but, I still needed to be careful when he didn’t show up in a couple of weeks back from his trip. I’m sure she would be asking questions.
But I had the rest of the day to worry about that and I didn’t take the time to make myself look nice this morning to be worrying about Mrs. Carter I still had to stop off at the bank and treat myself to lunch and I wasn’t going to let what if’s destroy my day.
There were a lot more cars in the bank parking lot than usual. I guess since I was use to getting here much earlier I never had to encounter the other customers that did their business on their lunch hour. But of course that was okay. What did I care about a little line at the bank I had no place to be and besides with it being lunchtime it might make it harder for me to get a table at a restaurant. This way I could kill some time no pun intended.
As I entered the bank I could tell the atmosphere was a lot different than it was when I came earlier in the day. Impatience seemed to saturate the air. Some of the customers appeared to stare at the clock on the wall trying to will the second hand from moving. Others agitated looking around as if trying to decide if coming back another time would be beneficial. These people were on their lunch breaks and had to get back to their jobs and evidently they needed to be there soon. And right now there was a gentlemen letting one of the tellers know just how unhappy he was about having had to wait. The teller was expressing her apologies but he didn’t seem to care. Probably not even mad about the wait but dealing with some other issue and taking it out on her. I could sympathize with him, having had my own woes to deal with over the years but, all he was doing now was causing the other customers to become more frustrated.
And the poor teller didn’t deserve him berating her for something that was out of her control. She, I am sure, had enough to deal with each day. Having to deal with irate customers that came in and took their frustrations out on her just for the hell of it. What if she decided she had had enough and came from behind the glass with a heavy object and bashed his brains in. Maybe a baseball bat or something. I am sure she didn’t have a baseball bat hidden behind the counter but I’m sure she probably wish she had one right now. She’d shut him up for good. Or at least give him something to think about the next time he wanted to yell at somebody.
Finally he was leaving with his head still intact. She was thanking him for his service and wishing him a nice day. Which I doubt he was going to have. I don’t know how they dealt with these people and still kept a smile on their faces. But, I would make sure to thank her before I left today for all the wonderful services I had received from them through out the years.
When it was my turn at the window I could tell that the smile on her lips didn’t quite reach her eyes. The smile a bit mechanical. From the back of the line she had seemed to be a lot younger but as I stood there looking at her I could see that the years of working at such a stressful job had taken it’s toll on her. She wore a ton of foundation trying to cover up the wrinkles that had started to form at her brow and forehead and she wore a bit too much mascara on her lashes. It was thick, caked and dried. Funny that I didn’t ever remember seeing her before but I was sure she was a regular because she greeted me by name when I got to the window.
She even seem to have a startled look on her face as if taken aback by my appearance.
“ How are you doing today?” she asked.
“Oh me, I am doing great. But it seems that yours is not going quite so well as mine.”
“Excuse me.” she said looking a bit confused.
“The gentleman that was here a little earlier.”
“Oh yeah, I had already forgotten about that. Comes with the job.” she said as she shrugged her shoulders.
It was as if to say she had given up hope of her life being any different. Excepting life as it was as if this was all it had to offer so she just dealt with it. Her life as mechanical as the smile she wore. And I am sure that just a day ago that that was probably me. I wish that I could tell her that. Tell her how just this morning I had changed my life for the better. But, of course I couldn’t. Not if I wanted to enjoy the rest of my day. So all I did was thank her for her help. I thought about commenting on her mascara but thought better of it. She thanked me for coming in and told me to have a nice day. Not really caring if I did. But I told her in no uncertain terms that I would.
As I left the bank I realized that I had been wrong about my earlier assumptions if she had been wishing for a baseball it would have been to bash her own head in.
Sunday, May 27, 2012
I will be grateful for you
This is to my friends and family that call me and seem to be down and never happy with anything in their lives. I have decided to not only be grateful for what God has done in my life but, also what he has done in yours.
I am thankful that all your kids are healthy. I am thankful that not one of your kids is lying in the hospital in need of serious medical care. I am thankful that none of your kids are in trouble with the police. None of your kids are dead or missing. I am thankful that each one of you have a roof over your heads and reliable transportation. That none of you though money is tight has gone without a meal. That you have electricity and running water. I am grateful for those of you that have a job though you may not be happy with it at this time do indeed have a job. And those of you that are unemployed have the opportunity to experience this time with your kids that you would not have otherwise had if you were working right now.
I am grateful that though your day may be hard that you are alive each day to experience it. Not only for you but for me because I am grateful eachday to know that if I should want to talk to you, you are there.
I am grateful that you have eyes to see. Ears that hear. Lungs that breathe and a heart that beats within your chest. I am grateful that you have two arms to show love and receive love from those that are close to you.
I am grateful that even though you may have bills that God provides a way for you to pay them.
I know that at times life may seem hard but I have found that sometimes instead of looking at what you don't have right now life looks a lot better when you think about all the things that you do have. When you look at your life and see how much abundance there actually is. So for now until you can see how good your lives are I will happily do it for you.
I am thankful that all your kids are healthy. I am thankful that not one of your kids is lying in the hospital in need of serious medical care. I am thankful that none of your kids are in trouble with the police. None of your kids are dead or missing. I am thankful that each one of you have a roof over your heads and reliable transportation. That none of you though money is tight has gone without a meal. That you have electricity and running water. I am grateful for those of you that have a job though you may not be happy with it at this time do indeed have a job. And those of you that are unemployed have the opportunity to experience this time with your kids that you would not have otherwise had if you were working right now.
I am grateful that though your day may be hard that you are alive each day to experience it. Not only for you but for me because I am grateful eachday to know that if I should want to talk to you, you are there.
I am grateful that you have eyes to see. Ears that hear. Lungs that breathe and a heart that beats within your chest. I am grateful that you have two arms to show love and receive love from those that are close to you.
I am grateful that even though you may have bills that God provides a way for you to pay them.
I know that at times life may seem hard but I have found that sometimes instead of looking at what you don't have right now life looks a lot better when you think about all the things that you do have. When you look at your life and see how much abundance there actually is. So for now until you can see how good your lives are I will happily do it for you.
Friday, May 18, 2012
Why do we?
Why does it seem that we can never truly be happy for others. When we hear that someone who is over 60 has won the lottery then it's what do they need it for they're old. Or we hear that they plan to invest it then it's I hope that they don't lose it all. But really don't we hope that they lose it all? Aren't we wishing to hear sometime in the future that they lost it all. So what they are in their 60's does it mean that when we get to a certain age that we don't deserve happiness? Why is it that misery truly does love company?
A friend called me awhile back complaining that the new guy she was dating was always bragging about his paycheck. But not really bragging just being thankful that he earned a good income and that he would have extra money to do something with her that weekend. She said that it got on her nerves. So what he had a lot of money she didn't want to have to hear about. It didn't make her mad that he was always bragging. She didn't need to hear that all the time. No it made her mad that she wasn't able to brag about her paycheck. Because I know for a fact that there have been many occasions that she has called to tell me that she has had extra money to do things and I have been truly happy for her. I on the other hand am happy to hear of someone that can brag about their paycheck and be truly grateful for having a paycheck especially nowadays when people are still out of work wishing they had a paycheck. I've always heard that when you put other people down it is because you don't love yourself or are not happy with your life. I hope that someday, soon hopefully, that we can all learn to love ourselves and maybe all this bullying can stop.
I know I am getting off the subject but not so much. Parents need to start teaching kids about loving themselves and treating others the way they want to be treated. There was of course bullying in my day we may not have all been affected by it but we have all seen it happen. But when I was growing up there was just one or two main bullies and they had their usual picks. Nowadays bullying is synonymous with breathing. Everyone is doing it and some are even proud of doing it. I know I don't have a lot of followers I just ask that the ones that do read my blog teach you kids about loving themselves let them know whenever possible that you love them and that they are worthy of being loved and the next time you decide not to be happy about someone else good fortune think about how you would feel if it were you wanting to share some good news with someone that was close to you and that person was jealous and spiteful.
Remember the Golden Rule. TREAT OTHERS THE WAY YOU WANT TO BE TREATED
A friend called me awhile back complaining that the new guy she was dating was always bragging about his paycheck. But not really bragging just being thankful that he earned a good income and that he would have extra money to do something with her that weekend. She said that it got on her nerves. So what he had a lot of money she didn't want to have to hear about. It didn't make her mad that he was always bragging. She didn't need to hear that all the time. No it made her mad that she wasn't able to brag about her paycheck. Because I know for a fact that there have been many occasions that she has called to tell me that she has had extra money to do things and I have been truly happy for her. I on the other hand am happy to hear of someone that can brag about their paycheck and be truly grateful for having a paycheck especially nowadays when people are still out of work wishing they had a paycheck. I've always heard that when you put other people down it is because you don't love yourself or are not happy with your life. I hope that someday, soon hopefully, that we can all learn to love ourselves and maybe all this bullying can stop.
I know I am getting off the subject but not so much. Parents need to start teaching kids about loving themselves and treating others the way they want to be treated. There was of course bullying in my day we may not have all been affected by it but we have all seen it happen. But when I was growing up there was just one or two main bullies and they had their usual picks. Nowadays bullying is synonymous with breathing. Everyone is doing it and some are even proud of doing it. I know I don't have a lot of followers I just ask that the ones that do read my blog teach you kids about loving themselves let them know whenever possible that you love them and that they are worthy of being loved and the next time you decide not to be happy about someone else good fortune think about how you would feel if it were you wanting to share some good news with someone that was close to you and that person was jealous and spiteful.
Remember the Golden Rule. TREAT OTHERS THE WAY YOU WANT TO BE TREATED
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
To My Daughter Whom I am Proud Just Because
Destiny I am writing this blog to you. To let you know that I love you and I am proud of you just because you are mine. I was washing the dishes today thanking God because he gave me three beautiful healthy children. And thinking about how you probably are dealing with anger inside because of how the father figures in your life have treated you. You probably wondered why or may have even commented on the fact that I have never did anything towards your father to make him support you. They main reason for that is because I wanted you in my life. He never asked for you and wether he wanted you in his life after you were born and just wanted to present hisself a different way among his peers I don't know. But I do know that I never pushed because it was My desire to have you in My life. I wanted you in my life before you were conceived and there as not been one minute in my life since I have regretted having you in my life. Always remember that I love you and though the men in your life weren't men enough that I always wanted you. That I am always here for you. I know you are young and I can't tell you how to feel. But don't be angry with them for how they have behaved and don't think yourself less because they couldn't see how wonderful you are. It is their lost for not fighting harder for you. You are beautiful and I love you more than words can say and don't ever let anything anyone says or does make you feel less than. Like I always told you God only gave me beautiful children.
I was even thinking yesterday about the times when you were younger when Corey was still in our lives how those were good times. When we would all wrestle and have fun. When he considered you his daughter and wanted to adopt you. Whenever you are down and wonder about him not being in your life just reflect on those times. Think about the good times. (Al Green)
I was even thinking yesterday about the times when you were younger when Corey was still in our lives how those were good times. When we would all wrestle and have fun. When he considered you his daughter and wanted to adopt you. Whenever you are down and wonder about him not being in your life just reflect on those times. Think about the good times. (Al Green)
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