I know it has been awhile since I have posted a blog. But when you have spent the weekend the way I have then you'd probably have to post about it as well. I spent my weekend someplace I would never have imagined being. Someplace I knew I just had to be dreaming because it felt so surreal.
I got upset with my sons father Saturday night because of his issue with not being able to communicate at least not with me anyways. I left the house and went for a walk and was gone three hours. When I came back no one seemed to care which made the situation worse. What made it even worse was when I said I was leaving again because evidently no one cared that I was gone and My son's father asked me not to leave because he wanted to go and play cards. Meaning he needed me home to stay with our 17 month old son. Which really set me off. It set me off to the point that I swung out and slammed a lamp across the bedroom smashing it into a wall. Even though it was done out of anger I thought that maybe now that I was showing some anger about the situation that maybe now he would talk and open up to me. But I was wrong. He went downstairs and got the vacuum cleaner cleaned up the glass from the broken light bulb, stopped and asked me about the cut on my head that evidently occurred when I dug my nails into my head and then continued on as though nothing happened. So me being the idiot decided that I would threaten my life. He talked to me then right? Wrong when I asked for the gun that I thought we had in the house. He asked for what to shoot him? I said no to shoot myself. Ha Ha he said that's funny. What is so funny about that I asked. You're funny you said like you'd shoot yourself. The gun is not even here he told me. Fine I told him I'm leaving and I'm not coming back ever. He said okay and told my 17 month old tell momma goodbye. Where you going he asked. Doesn't matter I said maybe I'll walk out into traffic. I grabbed my jacket and ran downstairs and told my daughter I was leaving and slammed the door behind me. She in turned ran after me yelling for me to come back with my 15 year old seconds behind her. I eventually came inside because they were being loud and were not going away.
So I sat at the the kitchen table for 5 minutes while my son's father sat there feeding our son. Never saying a word to me and then there was a knock at the door. It was the police. Asking was I the walker and that they had got a call that I had commumicated threats. I agreed that I had because I was upset. They went inside and talked to my sons father and my daughter and they decided that I had to go to the hospital at least to calm down or at least that is what they said. So I got to the hospital on Saturday night and ended up at mental health on Tuesday afternoon and was home Tuesday night.
The whole time I was at the hospital I was on suicide watch. Someone sat outside my door the whole time watching me in shifts. I had to wear two hospital gowns and all my belongings were taken from me. When I went to the bathroom I had to leave the door cracked. When I showered I had to be escorted by security and someone had to be there. I ended up making a complaint about the woman that took me to shower the first time. She sat inside the the bathroom and watched me while I bathed. Then asked me did I need her to wash my back. Once I hurried my shower I grabbed the towel to dry off. She grabbed another towel telling me to drop the one I had so I dry off with the other and place the wet one on the floor. She then began to dress me the whole time I was feeling uncomfortable. I didn't say anything because I wasn't sure if this was okay. But when I took a shower two days later the girl that took my upstairs gave me my supplies and stood outside the hospital room door. She knocked one time to tell me to hurry up but didn't come into the room until I stepped out of the bathroom.
So I complained to my nurse once I got back to my room and the next thing I know they had found someplace for me to go. (Sorry I had not mentioned before that I was waiting at the hospital until they could find me a room at a mental hospital to talk to a psychiatrist because they no longer have any in the hospital. Which they said was a long process because there were no rooms available.) Instead of letting me file a complaint I was leaving the hospital to go to a place where I could talk to somebody who eventually let me go home.
I asked my son's father why did he call the police. He said he called them because I had threatened to hurt myself and he thought they would just talk to me he didn't think all that would happen. I asked him why didn't he just talk to me. He said because I was mad at him and he didn't think I wanted to hear what I had to say. I told him but that had been what started everything was because he wouldn't talk to me. He said that even though I was saying I wanted him to talk to me. My facial expression said I didn't.
So the lesson I learned is that I have given up. He's not going to ever confide in me and it took me ending up in the hospital under suicide watch to realize it.
The crazy part about this situation is that my close friends that know me are flabbergasted by the whole situation but my family seem to believe that I should have been there and seem to be upset that I wasn't made to stay at mental health and believe that the psychiatrist should have made me get health instead of suggesting it.
